Oh, hello. I didn't see you there.

Please forgive my incredible lack of any writing here whatsoever. I realize and fully understand the inane nature of putting up a website, then never attending to it.

Maybe that was the plan all along. Who knows.

The truth is that writing has always been my muse, my outlet. It's been a source of incredible comfort through some trying times. I always seem to learn something about myself by writing. There always seems like there's something new to learn.

Life's been fairly quiet. No need for lengthy thought out ideas or places to bounce commentary. Or at least, no immediate need.

The tough stuff---the hard stuff---it's always been there, just shoved to the back of my mind for delayed processing.

I don't believe in grudges. I don't carry them, at least I don't think I do. Don't get me wrong, there are people, things, places, I genuinly dispise, but nothing bad enough to garner enough emotional reaction for months, years, where the anger stirs up as if it had just occurred. I guess my life has never been centered on people, things or places.

But I don't know what it has been centered on. My first thought is religious, but if we're being honest, clearly not the case. Next is myself, but it's hard to think of myself as selfish (read: this blog). I like to think of myself as selfless, caring, helpful to others. But don't we all? And isn't it kind of selfish to think of yourself that way?

In my life, some voice in the back of my head reminds me daily, "others before self." That thought always rustles up the verse in the Bible that tells us that we sin by not doing the good we know we ought to.

That verse causes me to pick up trash off the floor, even when it's not mine. It stirs me to go out of my way to do something nice for others---just to please God... or whoever is out there.

One thing that life has taught me is that it continues. Fans of the 'Keaton' series know that one of my favorite quotes of all time is from Robert Frost.

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on. The important thing to remember is that there is a direction and a continuity. Despite our fears and worries, life continues." --Robert Frost

Yes, I know I have a tendency to be repetitive in these posts, and always somehow include one of my favorite quotes, but it's my blog, who the heck cares?

Back to Frost, those words are words I live by. I like to move on quickly. I don't like to dwell. Let's choose a path and get there.

The only problem to that life philosophy: it's not very people friendly, a phrase often uttered about me.

Don't get me wrong, I can smile and schmooze all day long, but to really get to know someone, care about them, for me, that takes time---and a lot of work. I'm not about to go all-in on a relationship that hasn't had its share of vetting.

And that, my friends, is why I will be alone until I die.

It's not something that I don't already realize. And I'm fine with it, really.

Just as long as I have a computer, some webspace to post to, and a working mind to spew stuff out of.

I'm fine.

 

I'm in a familiar place.

This is update for Friday, 7 August 2009.

Admittedly, I've lost track of what update this is, I know I've written a couple hundred. In some ways I miss writing... but those were in the days when I had loads of time to do it. Even now that I have that time again, the inspiration just isn't there like it used to be. We'll see.

It's been a while. We should catch up more.

So much is going on, while at the same time, not a lot is going. You know me well. So I'll do what I do best: metaphors.

The car was running okay. No major problems. Then I started turning the wheel in a new direction... and the wheels fall off.

It's amazing how quickly things can change, how much you can change.... your thoughts, feelings, ideas, and so on. If there's anything I've learned over the last 10 months or so, it's that I'm not who I thought I was. That's what an unexpected deconstruction of your being can do--- reveal the holes in your psyche you weren't aware of.

It reminds me of an episode of Arrested Development where instead of building a house in it's entirety, they just built the exterior four walls for show. The exterior looked great, but the inside was lacking.

I'm in a familiar place, but at the same time uncharted territory. It's almost like being transported back in time two years. This is where I was, uncertain of the future, but confident. This time I'm back in Norman, uncertain of the future, but lacking that confidence that used to be a cornerstone of me. I can't tell you what's going to happen tomorrow or the next day.

I'm off the tracks, that's for sure. And maybe I have been for a while. I dunno.

It's hard not to think of the thousands of alternatives to where I am. Then again, with the thousand other thoughts racing through my mind constantly, it's hard to make out what I'm thinking at all. It keeps me up at night. I can't get sleep, because I can't calm my mind. I can't keep it still.

It's also hard not to think about accountability and blame. I know this is all my fault, through errors and bad choices. Maybe it's punishment from God for making those bad choices. I sulk in the shame that comes along with that. But there's nothing else to do about it. I've done what I can for now.

So I'm back to where I was before. One step forward, two steps back.

The openendedness of where I am should be exciting, but it's not. The only real solution right now seems like uprooting, moving to another state far away, and trying again. The father away I get, the more disconnected I'll be.

"Life's hard, then you die," my dad always told me growing up.

Turns out he was right.

But as much as I feel sorry for myself, I should scold myself for feeling that way. I have a job in the interim, and a place to stay. God has been good to me.

Perhaps my own selfishness is the cause of the struggles I'm going through. Something to think about.

If only I could get these thoughts in order.

Until next time.

Hello again.

I know we just spoke, but I feel like writing again.

There are times in my life where I need the emotional outlet, to just be able to get it all out. For me, writing is best. I miss my daily updates, but they were often forced, uninteresting and most were just stupid.

I write now when there's no way out. Writing soothes the soul, calms the demons, creates sense.

Parsing words, feelings, ideas into something tangible is therapeutic.

If I had to sum everything up right now in my life, I think it'd be done with a single character: a question mark.

I'm a planner. I like to know what's happening, what's going to happen, what time it's going to happen, what all the details are, etc. A friend told me that I'm that way because I'm controlling.

I am controlling, and I didn't think those two things were synonymous. But now, I think they are.

Being in control allows you to plan your emotional response to things. I don't like to be caught by surprise, because I don't know how to react. Unplanned, unrehearsed Keaton is great on TV, breaking news, off the cuff changes are my forte. But not in real life.

I think God gives us all equal amounts of potential. Somewhere inside us is this great pot of potential. We have to learn how to tap into it, and that potential can be used for anything. Some people use it to be great with people, others choose to use it to be great at their specific skill sets, but we get to choose how much we are good at.

My strengths are in that which I can control, the tangibles. I'm a manual reader because I can learn the rules and follow them. I like having things down on paper. I like black and white. I'm not great with gray areas. I want to be able to point to the rule and have it go clearly one way or another.

But life and especially relationships aren't that way. Most everything in life is in that grey area. No matter how many rules you want to try to attach to situations, it just doesn't work.

People get confused by my particular choices and ways that I live my life, but I have a reason for almost everything. May be a silly reason or foolish one, but I have a reason. I've thought it out.

No matter how hard it may be, sometimes we have to get away from the rules and make decisions from what feels right inside. Make those mistakes, get hurt and learn.

In a previous entry, I wrote something that I had forgotten about, but still remains a truth in my life: paraphrasing, "Slamming into a brick wall hurts a lot more than stopping and turning around."

I feel almost like I see that brick wall... and I'm stepping on the gas.

And there's two ways to look at it: 1) you should slow down and not hit the wall, or, 2) lets wait and see what happens.

#2 is very unlike me. Ask any of my friends which one I would do, and I think almost everyone would say #1.

But I think I'm leaning toward #2.

The wall could just be imagined. Maybe I'll be able to keep on going just fine.

It's what I want... but I know it doesn't feel like the smart choice.

The water is getting warmer... but it just feels so comfortable. But I know it's gonna start boiling.

...or is it? I don't know, because I can't control it. And because I can't control it, I want to abort it. I want to run into something that I feel comfortable with.

The demons inside won't let this go. Us and the devil. What a monumental battle.

We have to win it.

I have... to win this.